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Dying To Self(ies)
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Dying To Self(ies)
“Instead, clothe yourself with the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. And don’t let yourself think about ways to indulge your evil desires.” (Romans 13:14 NLT)
The Set-Up
All-Or-Nothing
Paul Harvey was standing outside of a grocery store decades ago. You know the kind. The one with a soda counter and ice cream inside. He heard a woman’s distinct voice saying over and over “no, no, no! You cannot have an ice cream. No!” He was a bit surprised when the exit doors opened…and she walked out, walked to her car, and drove away…all alone.
I’m sure if we all did some introspection and took inventory, we’d find things in our lives that are tempting. Very tempting. And perhaps as a way to protect ourselves, we build fences or walls; or we put ourselves on leashes. Because just a taste of that forbidden fruit might trigger a mad dash.
And so we have walls with no gates. This means we give ourselves open access to some things (with no boundaries whatsoever), and complete and total lack of access to other things, so as to remove any temptation.
I’m sure there are things that belong in those “all or nothing” categories. Love of God (on the one hand) and the unfruitful works of darkness (on the other) perhaps? But I imagine the number of things that should be “all” or “nothing” is pretty small.
In our most unhealthy moments, we tend to be “all or nothing” people. Even when it comes to how we view ourselves. Overconfidence says I’m “all good” (blind to my sins and the malformed parts of my life). Low self esteem says I’m “no good” (everything I do is wrong; nothing I do amounts to anything). All-or-nothing thinking as groups creates fundamentalist cults on the right and unsustainable utopias on the left. All-or-nothing thinking as individuals creates self-righteousness or self-sabotage, narcissists or doormats. Extremes breed extremes. And it's not only unnecessary, it’s not living in reality. Reality is more nuanced than that.
You and I are a mixed bag. Our culture is a mixed bag. And the goods that society offers us have both good and bad. Christian ethics is about discernment.
Technology: Pro & Con
And so I’d like to focus our attention and our need for discernment on that piece of modern technology sitting on the seat beside you or possibly in your hand as we speak. I’m talking specifically about smart phones. Social media. Online living. The open portal at all times in your pocket and, more specifically, in the hands of your children.
If I were to make a list up here this morning of the great positives of having the world at your fingertips, the list would be long. Some of us have actually experienced the situation we all at least imagine could happen: stranded on the side of the road but with access to everything we need—phone numbers to reach people for help, how-to videos for how to get out of the mess we are in, and a tracking device to let every parent know exactly where their stranded child is.
We can compare that encyclopedia set our mother bought from the door-to-door salesman with our hand-held access to all of that information plus all the updates…being done every single second!
When Katie and I unfortunately lost all of our pictures from our honeymoon in a computer accident, we found so many of them already uploaded to social media as our backup.
And then there are all the ways we have connected with people from long ago, and are able to keep up with lives far more often than awaiting that Christmas letter.
Oh, smart phones have been and can often be fantastic, right?
And then there is the other list. The negative list. Let’s be honest. It’s a very long list. Don’t ignore it. The stats available in 2017 were these:
When asked if they believe raising kids today is more complicated than it was when they were kids, 78% of parents said yes.
When asked why they think parenting today is more difficult, the number one answer—65% of respondents—said “technology and social media.”
And what makes technology such a challenge to parenting? Time (too much online, not enough with family), exposure (too much, too often, too early), and something else: it just changes them.
Just think of the central things that are essential to the role of parenting—the things we need to offer and hand down to the next generation: discipline, time management, development of good moral character, positive self-image, healthy relationships. Parents quickly find they are in direct competition with an entirely different set of parents influencing our children in often diametrically opposed ways: Mr. Smart Phone and Mrs. Instagram.
The Chilling Effects
We sense it. We’ve seen it. And the Gen Z generation (those born in 1995 or later), born knowing no world without the internet, and most of whom spent their pre-teen and teenage years knowing no world without instant access with a portal to the world in their hands, has provided chilling data to back up what we both suspect and experience.
Social psychologist Jonathan Haidt says we have a full-blown epidemic on our hands. He wrote a NYT best-selling book about it this year. Article after article, book after book, links to it and says the data jives with what they have witnessed as well. The book is called The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.
The charts are staggering. From 2000-2010 depression and anxiety rates were basically stable. Somewhere around 2010 (which was three years after the first iPhone was released), the number of young people with anxiety, depression, loneliness, practicing self-harm, and attempting suicide went off the charts! Over the next decade, the suicide rate rose 48% for adolescents aged 10-19. It hit girls harder than boys, and it hit preteens girls hardest of all. For girls aged 10-14, it rose 131%!
The stats on other things were equally shocking. Math scores plummeted, and feelings of loneliness soared. When looking for not just correlation, but causation, social scientists were amazed to find this trend wasn’t limited to America. Roughly the same numbers appeared in highly industrialized western nations. They charted the rise from 2010 to 2015 (the year, by the way, when 80% of American teens had a smartphone). From 2010 to 2015 Instagram users went from a couple million to 90 million.
Why do I tell you that? Because the rise in all of these problems among pre-teens and early adolescents between 2010 and 2015 is so staggering, that it cries out for an explanation. And the best and most thorough answer given—that can explain the rates of anxiety and depression surging in so many countries at the same time and in the same way—is that 2010-2015 represents the pre-teen and early adolescent age group for the first generation of Americans who went through puberty with smartphones in their hands, offering continuing access to social media, online video games, and actually living life immersively online. It represents the first phone-based childhood.
Where are we today? 40% of American children under the age of 13 have an Instagram account. And find a teenager who doesn’t have a smartphone. They are by far the exception.
Do you know how all this stuff works? It’s very similar to how casinos work. Those quick Tik Tok videos, that little ding that tells you an email has been received, that little push or nudge that lets you know your comment or post was received, read, and liked, produces dopamine in your system. You get a new hit with every new video or tweet, or post. And slowly, we go from a period of entertainment to an age of distraction to a crisis of addiction. Screens, technology, and social media are literally rewiring our brains.
Take all of that—which we usually apply to gambling—and now imagine that you were raised in a casino! You didn’t look at what is happening in the culture with a natural sense of resistance to such entrapment…but instead you were fed the drug from infancy. How could you even tell that anything is wrong?
It’s even ironic to speak of a dopamine “culture” because what technology is producing is the antithesis of “culture.” We can’t sit in silence to hear the voice of God. We can’t sit long enough to enjoy a symphony. We can’t appreciate the long-form essay or hold our attention span long enough to read that Austen novel. Who has interest in such things, and who has the time? As Heather Cadenhead once put it, my favorite insta-star has shared her second reel in two days and I haven’t posted all week. I’m so far behind! The need for instant gratification, with being gratified by the lowest, cheapest, quickest dopamine hit we can find, is not the language of culture, it is the language of addiction. Social deprivation, sleep deprivation, attention fragmentation, and finally addiction.
And of all things in the world to be addicted to, this is a whole world that instills values, creates a whole new list of virtues (some of which we would call vices), and weaves together a narrative that claims the whole world caters to you, when in truth, you are the pawn being made to like and want whatever they wish to sell you.
Not Just Kids
The problem is not just kids. I had a regular phone until the age of 39. Yes—a brick phone then a flip phone. My students laughed. I laughed back, saying “it appears to me your phone has become a third arm, an extension of yourself.” After switching to an iphone for only 2 months, I learned how right that perception was, and how quickly it can become addictive. Not only that, thinking I needed to be “fully aware” and “fully relatable” in my new role running a school, I was on social media a lot. And I noticed it taking a toll on my own mental health. But that was just a coincidence, right? Every line I told myself, “you are stronger than you think you are; you can handle it; if its really a problem, I can stop any time I want”—was all the language of addicts!
How do you know if something has become an unhealthy obsession or addiction in your life? Easy. Give it up. If you can’t—you have a problem. Nearly half of teens say their parents have a problem with screen time, too.
How often have you logged on in a good mood, doom scrolled, and left feeling depressed about your life and yourself? It’s not a coincidence. It’s a casino. And the house always wins. For a generation that has never known solid food, it can be disastrous.
AND NOW, THE SERMON
How is this a sermon? Well, here comes the lesson.
Three Passages
Let me start with three quick points from three passages. The first is Revelation 1:3: “Blessed is the one who reads the words of this prophecy.” Blessed is the one…who reads.
A number of passages bear out the importance of reading Scripture.
1 Thess 5:27: “I put you under an oath before the Lord to have this letter read to all the brothers.”
1 Timothy 4:13: “Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture.”
Col 4:16: “And when this letter has been read among you, have it also read in the church of the Laodiceans.
Eph 3:4: “When you read this, you can perceive my insight into the mystery of God.”
Social media is good for sharing pictures, but, says Brad East, it is bad for reading. It’s bad for reading habits. It’s bad for reading attention. It’s bad for reading desires. It’s bad for reading style. It’s bad for why you read in the first place. It’s bad for learning, and it’s bad for imitation. So how do you think it affects Bible reading, Bible study, Bible reflection, or Biblical living?[7]
The second passage is James 1:8: “A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.” The Living Bible translates it this way: for a double-minded man, “every decision you make will be uncertain, as you turn first this way and then that.”
Contrary to popular belief, we can’t be all things to all people. I know Paul says he tries, but that is rhetoric meaning he is adaptable to the moment. Our problem is trying to be busy and peaceful, fully present online and fully present at home at the same time. And we cannot do it. We desperately want the approval of others and we want to speak truth that might challenge the very people whose approval we seek. We want to frantically keep up with all the horror going on in the world and dwell on what is lovely and of good report. It just isn’t possible. As James says, fresh water and salt water cannot flow from the same opening (James 3:12). We really do have to choose.
Here is a third Bible passage that comes to mind—Matthew 12:43-45: “When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, but finds none. Then it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when it comes, it finds the house empty, swept, and put in order. Then it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there, and the last state of that person is worse than the first.”
The solution to this epidemic must be more than avoiding a problem. Jesus tells us that we cannot simply empty a house of problem demons; it will quickly be filled by 7 demons more potent than the first unless we fill the house with something good to take its place. Its possible to value self-control too much and trust in God, friends, and family too little. Sometimes we need to meet needs instead of just removing temptations, relying on willpower alone.
Real Presence
Those are important reminders, but they serve as a set-up for this one biblical truth I wish to press upon you. My one main suggestion—one that I need in my life—is that we learn to cultivate real, actual presence. The antidote to our growing epidemic is staring us in the face. Literally. Our great need is not Facetime but face-to-face time.
In the late 1970’s, a developmental psychologist named Edward Tronick conducted an experiment. He gathered a group of little children (ranging in age from tiny infant to older toddler) and told their parents to sit across from them, but don’t show any facial response to anything they do or say. Be completely indifferent no matter how hard they plead for your attention. This was recorded. It only lasted for a few minutes, but I don’t have to tell you what it’s like to watch this in action. You can see the children grow in bewilderment, frustration, and distress, until they fall on the floor in frighteningly painful resignation as they experienced complete deprivation of any response.
I wish I could say it gets better in the real world, but the statistics are just horrible. 60% of Gen Z adults report they are lonely—and almost 30% of them say they feel lonely when they are around other people (because there is a huge difference between being around people staring at their phones and really being “with” others). 40% of all adults regularly go at least 3 days without a meaningful face-to-face interaction. The US surgeon general has declared loneliness an official epidemic, as deadly as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.
Our souls cry out for connection. With each other, yes. Ultimately, with God. It was St. Augustine who said, “God you have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.” Or, in the words of the Psalmist, “As a deer thirsts for water, so I thirst for you, O God” (Psalm 42:1 NCV).
What we thirst for is his presence. “You have shown me the way of life,” quotes Peter on Pentecost, “and you will fill me with the joy of your presence” (Acts 2:28 NLT).
In the very next chapter, Peter describes the hope of the earth as “times of refreshment” that “will come from the presence of the Lord” (Acts 3:20 NLT).
The Apostle Paul calls on us to put away the things that war against the soul. “Instead,” writes Paul, “clothe yourself with the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. And don’t let yourself think about ways to indulge your evil desires” (Romans 13:14 NLT).
In the tabernacle, what we grew up calling “the showbread” (KJV) was also called “the bread of Presence” (ESV, NIV). That’s not all. The bread of presence was to be in God’s presence at all times (Ex 25:30).
When the worshiper came to the tent of the tabernacle, he was supposed to offer the burnt offering “in the Lord’s presence.” God says when you come to the tent of meeting, he will meet and speak with his people there (Ex 29:42). “I will meet the people of Israel there, in the place made holy by my glorious presence” (Ex 29:43 NLT), or as the Good News Translation puts it, “…the dazzling light of my presence will make the place holy” (GNT).
Moses knew the significance of this language. The importance of presence. He told God when God was upset with the people, “do what you want, destroy who you must; but don’t take your presence from us. For we don’t know who we are outside your presence.”
I find it fascinating how one of the earliest chapters of the Bible describes the alternative to real presence. In Genesis 4:14, Cain says to God that being driven from his “presence” (or “hidden from you face”—NLV; NKJV) would make him a “roving nomad” (CEB), “fleeting about” (WYC), a constant” (NABRE) or “restless wanderer” (NIV, TLV), “a traveler without a home” (EASY).
Two choices: real, peaceful, intentional, overwhelming, focused, presence—or, constant restless wandering. Is there a better phrase to capture what life feels like when we exchange true relationships with doom scrolling?
Busyness vs. Rest
It’s not just wandering but “constant restless” wandering. Notice the reference to busyness.
We have turned busyness into a virtue. In my role as a fundraiser, I can’t tell you how many upwardly-mobile financially comfortable men would spout off their day planner as a way of bragging. “Look how important I am.” So important—I only have 5 minutes for you and this meeting. Count yourself lucky.
It’s not just rich folks. One author puts it this way: “In our fast-paced world, busyness has become an idol. We wear it like a badge of honor, boasting about how packed our schedules are between kid’s sports, volunteer commitments, work, and other responsibilities. Our society glorifies busyness, almost as if it is a competition to see who can be the busiest.” But when we peel back the layers, and practice discernment, we find the emperor has no clothes.
More important than money are the two commodities of time and energy. When we sell our soul to busyness, we are left spiritually and physically drained. We can’t even answer the question “how are you today?” without listing all the things we have yet to do, how far behind we feel, and that we are just so, you know, busy! We experience burnout, stress, and anxiety. If only there was an antidote.
Contrast that with our God and maker—infinite in time and infinite in energy. But he rested. He made the world, then he rested. Exodus tells us he did it for you and me. Work is good. So…work. Work hard. Be productive and fruitful. Then rest. Value rest. Make it a priority.
What happens when we unplug? Turn off. Spend quality time face-to-face with our kids. Really notice nature. Enjoy the moments together. Give total, complete, undivided attention. It is spiritually nourishing. It helps us value each other. It reminds us that we are not made to work “for” or even be “for”…we were made to be “with.” Real presence.
Being Intentional
Remember those surveys? The ones where 60% of Gen Z said they are lonely? 43% of them said something as simple as bonding over a shared interest with someone else would make them feel less alone. 1/3rd said that being part of a community—a group of people actually interested in them and actually interacting with them—helped overcome a sense of loneliness.
A preacher friend of mine has a rule: Friday is his day off to be with family. So his phone turns off Thursday at 4. He doesn’t turn it back on until Monday morning. An online blogger named Dixie Lane made a WWW rule: Weekends without Wifi. She tried it for 7 months. She said it was mostly successful. She has learned not to make a crushing rule as much as an encouraging way of life. There will be exceptions. It won’t be perfect. But its leaning in to what really matters, reminding herself of our real goal: a life of mission aimed at real presence—, which, for me, is presence for each other and with God.
Presence. Job’s friends got a lot wrong. But one thing they got profoundly right. When Job was hurting, they came and sat with him for seven days.
Try this for family life: less time connecting online and more time connecting at home.
In his excellent book “The Tech Wise Family,” Andy Crouch wisely suggests three key decisions for a family that prioritizes presence over PC’s, phones, and processors:
First, choose character. Make a family rule: “we choose wisdom and courage together as a family.” Technology is more than a tool. We’ve always had tools—to help us work; technology does our work for us. Tools assist; technology automates. Tools come alongside; technology takes the place of.
So it’s worth asking: what is a family for? Because if we don’t know the answer, technology will take the place of family. Family is in the business of forming persons. Knowledge is easy; wisdom is hard. Google can give you knowledge, but family attempts to shape wisdom. In the Bible, a “fool” is not ignorant of facts; a fool doesn’t know what to do with them—they don’t know God, they don’t understand people, and they don’t realize what they themselves are made for.
In a family, says Crouch, we discover two things: first, how foolish we are! No matter how big your house is, you will reveal yourself to be a fool. We misunderstand, assume too much, and fail in a thousand ways. But then we discover another remarkable thing: we are seen—really seen—for who we are, and experience forgiveness. Yes we are fools, but in family—in connecting, paying attention, sharing lives, and contributing to each others lives, we develop wisdom. We begin to truly understand each other and even ourselves. We develop more than habits—we develop virtue (the ability to discern what healthy habits are). We learn the difference between saying something and having something to say (something Instagram still has yet to figure out). And in a healthy spiritual family, we also get to know God in the process.
And you know what your “first family” is, right? More than your biological group that lives in your home. You are brothers and sisters under your Father God. Our shared existence as the body of Christ means we are called to a mission of presence to mold character, establish habits of virtue, and contribute to discernment that leads to wisdom.
Do you know what we find? Technology actually makes your life harder and less joyful. Real presence makes your life easier and more joyful. So choose character.
Second, shape your space. Do you actually have a “home life”? Is your home life one that enjoys what is real more than what is scripted? Is there more actual conversation than social absorption? Look at what every seat in your house faces, what it is drawn towards.
In the old days, says Crouch, every living room furniture faced the hearth. The fire. It gave warmth and light. But tending a fire took skill and engagement. We built a fire, and we kept it going. Together. But in today’s homes, we don’t have a hearth. We have a furnace. Its automated. It does the work for us. So we move on to something else.
In this nurturing life of presence, we want to create more than we consume. Is there more creative activity in your living room than passive activity? Are screens tools or rulers? What would it look like to fill our spaces with things that reward skill and active engagement? Where do you spend most of your time, and what captures most of your attention? Find the emotional center of your home, then take inventory. Are the things that take all our attention more like a hearth or a furnace? It is a challenging question.
Katie and I fear that our children already think that our phones are our children as well. So important to us, that if we leave it sitting on a table or a bed, Grace will grab it and bring it to us. We must need it! We must need it now! Am I so dense as to assume she doesn’t notice my phone getting more of my attention than her? What I am communicating to her is that one day a phone will give her what she really wants and needs, far more interesting and far more important than the people in her life.
Third, structure your time. I don’t know what works best for you. Here is Andy’s suggestion: one hour a day, one day a week, one week a year: turn off devices and worship, feast, play, and rest together. Even when we do take a day off “work”, we bring our devices with us. To the dinner table. Into bed. In the car on the trip and in the restaurant. Have we forgotten that God gave Sabbath to Israel as a command—in fact, one of the big 10?!
Conclusion
I’d like to end by quoting Romans 13:14 in the New Living Translation: “Instead, clothe yourself with the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. And don’t let yourself think about ways to indulge your evil desires.” In this verse, Paul says two important things.
First, he says we can live in the presence of the Lord Jesus. We can dwell within his presence, wearing it like a cloak.
Second, he contrasts life in the presence of Jesus with our wandering thoughts about how to indulge our evil desires. In other words, the antidote to giving in to our unhealthy wandering, our unhealthy habits and our unhealthy addictions is to wrap ourselves in the presence of God.
The whole world tells us that technology is a necessary good, and it can be your best friend, your family, your school and your church. But a Christ-centered family life recognizes the difference between a tool that serves and a master that rules. We recognize the language and habits of addiction. We know the role of family and the call of parenting. And we believe in presence. Every Sunday, as we witness the presence of Christ in the bread and the wine, we rehearse our deepest calling: real presence. It’s what our kids need, and it’s what we were made for.
This is a sermon preached on May 19, 2024 at the West Side Church of Christ (Searcy, AR) entitled “Dying To Self(ies).” This lesson is available to watch or listen, and appears on the Life on the West Side podcast (Season 3, Episode 47). Available on all podcast platforms.
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My name is Nathan Guy, and I serve as the preaching minister for the West Side Church of Christ in Searcy, Arkansas. In my spare time, I teach classes as an adjunct instructor for St. Louis University and Harding University. I also serve as chairman of the board for the Center for Christian Studies. I am happily married to Katie and am the proud father of little Grace (who is 2) and baby Henry (who is new). We are fair weather Dodgers fans (because if you lived near LA in 1988, how could you not be?). You can find more resources on my website over at nathanguy.com. You can follow me on social media: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter (X), Threads, and YouTube.